My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
It's a Lindsey's Going to Jail Theme party.
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
We're pregaming our midterms. Also, when we get our tests back, we're taking a shot for every point we lost. If you're not in, you should just go ahead and transfer.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
His brother just asked him in all seriousness if it would be cool if they became eskimo brother brothers.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
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