Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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