We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
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