True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
Randomize
