Asian hipster sighting. About to tackle him and ask him to take me to chinatown
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
