Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Keep your head up. His game is good, and you should be honoured to be a notch on his wall. If it makes you feel better, if it wasn't you, it was going to be me.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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