i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
Well I only snuggle him I don't hump him. That's rude.
Randomize
