im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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