dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
