I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
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