On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
'fingered' and 'feelings' NEVER belong in the same sentence.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
i wanted to ask her what his dick looked like but i thought that would be weird for the first time i met her
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Randomize
