You were right. It hurts to walk today.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
