clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
those kids just got delivered to the party by the pizza guy
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
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