I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I'll have to explain it to you tonight when i call drunk. It will sound better
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
