please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
See! Theres potential!
Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
Randomize
