Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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