Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
Randomize
