What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
It was a glorious ass. He has amazing hands. I want to fuck him until he can't do math anymore.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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