Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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