Soap is not a condiment
Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.
Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Everyone is out there getting real jobs and I just realized I've been "washing" my clothes with fabric softener for two months.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
I don't want to be flamboyant (says the guy who bought a hot pink suit to be a flamingo for Halloween)--but I don't mind being a little extra.
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