I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
And for 6 straight hours, I laid on my bedroom floor trying to convince myself it would perfectly acceptable to pee on my own floor
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Randomize
