and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He made me a period mix..should I back out now?
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
