Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Ladies don't puke and tell
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
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