omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
