Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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