my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
What has my life become? I'be officially recruited my fuck buddy for help getting my ex back.
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