The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
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