I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
Randomize
