"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Life is so much better after having sex.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
Randomize
