a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
