I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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