Got a toothbrush?
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
zippers are such a cool invention
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
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