Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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