The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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