just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Just pee around me
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
Randomize
