Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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