I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
All I remember is waking up with 3 penises pointed at my face. I also remember enjoying that a lot. And then I threw up in their shower.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
Randomize
