I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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