she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
