I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
Randomize
