5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Can you confirm that you aren't dead?
Randomize
