I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Buffalo PD walked in my bedroom this morning at 7 am. Was still blackout drunk, fully dressed, Steak Out wrapper on the floor, parking meter on the floor of the bar room. 'Both of your doors were wide open, wanted to make sure no one was robbing you.' Then I made a pass at her.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
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