Even the bartender felt bad for me
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dick very happy bro
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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