Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
