You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
I cannot even describe to you the most amazing ass I have ever had the pleasure of seeing walk up the stairs in front of me just now.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
