my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I need a beard to bite.
We're going through the drive-through at mcdonalds while pulling sam behind us in the wheelchair and having them hand him the food. Let me know how this went in the morning
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
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