Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
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