i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I'm 90% sure a girl here is wearing a bra strap as a headband.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Randomize
