I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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