tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
Randomize
