He's not gay. He just has bad gaydar and he gaydared himself and was wrong.
I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
I just opened my travel toothbrush holder and it smelled like vodka...maybe a vodka cranberry. This says a lot about my vacations.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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