I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
I'm both gender and math confused
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
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