my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
momentary stint on a second floor library computer...guy next to me snorted blue adderall off his notebook through a cut straw, i cant tell if this guy is my hero or just plain crazy...
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