If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
